Some days I feel like crying
It don't matter if it's rain or shine
I feel like my heart was broken
At least a million times
Today was one of those days. In fact, I didn’t just feel like crying... I did cry. And in fact, I’m positive that while writing this all out, I will cry again. Very recently, I’ve had some friends act not so friend like. And while I’m sure they didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, the fact is that they did. And there’s a part of me that just knows they did what they did under the assumption that I would never find out. I’m sure in the back of their minds, they probably knew that it might hurt me if I found out. So while I’m sure they really didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, in the back of their minds, they knew they were. And I think that makes it hurt worse. The fact that they knew it was wrong, yet still did it. Of course, this is all speculation since I haven’t talked to them about it yet.
The question I’m faced with now is how do I treat them when I see them next? There’s a part of me that wants to hurt them back. Sweet revenge! Another part of me wants to make them feel horribly guilty for being so crappy to me. Another form os sweet revenge! But then Jesus goes and interrupts my thoughts reminding me that revenge would be wrong. ‘Forgiveness is the right path’ He says. He’s really good about reminding me about that stupid forgiveness right after I’ve been hurt and before I’m ready to forgive. He won’t let me stay mad at people for long.
Usually He’s right. But for some reason, forgiveness just feels wrong this time. It’s like if I forgive them, then I’m giving them permission to retreat me like this again. They have to know that I know and that it hurt me and that even though I’m going to forgive them (eventually), it’s not ok to do it again. But yet, I have to somehow do all of this without being too horrible back to them.... this is going to be tough.
Dear Jesus,
I need your help. Telling me to forgive them is not going to be enough this time. I’m going to need some guidance about how to go about forgiving them.
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